When everything hurts

Do you know I've been blogging for nearly 15 years? My first blog, "mcmiracle," (which yes, can still be found here) detailed our journey of infertility, pregnancy, and what happened when my water broke at 23 weeks, 5 days. Crazy to see that it's had over 330,000 visits.

In the middle of all that, I spent 7 years with a direct sales jewelry company, making lockets that told people's stories. I built a pretty big team, and made some incredible forever friendships during that season. I also grew in leadership, organization, creation, marketing, speaking, and business. And I got to visit some pretty wonderful places. Ultimately, God called me away to pursue something He'd laid on my heart at the age of 17.

I wanted to go into full time ministry. I wanted to create something that pointed to Him.

My second blog, "One Beautiful Journey," no longer exists, but our YouTube channel still does over here. OBJ was a dream I had about sharing and doing life in a way that revealed the importance of Jesus in the every day. I wrote blog posts, now archived, and we did fun family adventures and challenges together on our channel.

That ultimately wasn't the full vision God had for me. So I closed up shop and began praying again. It was immediately after the OBJ season that God laid the idea on my heart for Abidible in November of 2021.

I bet some of you didn't know any of that. Some of you may know some or all of it.

Abidible exists to help people know and love God by abiding in Him through His Word. I took every Bible study technique I'd learned over the years and attempted to compile them into a new kind of Bible study (at least to me). The whole point was that we wanted to help people study God's Word on their own. Because doing that saved me out of the deep, dark pit of depression that I was in.

Which brings me back to blogging.

I haven't put up a blog post on Abidible about LIFE yet. About my own "stuff." And tonight I felt led to do that. To just come share my heart. 

I'm in a ton of pain tonight. As I write to you I'm in bed with heat on my back and abdomen and ice on my neck.

The truth is, I'm in pain everyday because I've got stage IV endometriosis. My pelvic floor is twisted, so my back is always in pain (especially after sitting for a while). The inflammation from all the lesions and fibroids puts my body in a constant state of crisis -- my metabolism is shot and I've gained a ton of weight that won't come off. I can't sleep well at night because I can never get comfortable. I'm tired and have brain fog and struggle to find energy to do most things.

I have a mass on my bladder that makes me have to pee all the time and a mass on my bowel that-- well, isn't fun. But tonight is extra hard. It feels like my whole body is on fire, and like my stomach is going to explode out of my skin. Probably because my uterus is 3x's too big and I have adenomyosis on top of the endo. And my head is pounding tonight because I'm eliminating coffee from my diet because...drumroll...I go in for a 5+ hour surgery in less than two weeks. 

They're removing my uterus, the fibroids, the masses, the lesions and perhaps even a section of my bowel. It will depend on what they discover when they get in there. My amazing doctor said, "It's going to be everywhere when we get in there...all over your cervix...everywhere."

The doctor is another story. A miraculous one. In 2010 during an infertility procedure, I was first diagnosed with endometriosis. The doctor performed an ablation, scraping the endo off the surface. But to really remove endometriosis, an excision must be performed. It needs to be cut all the way out. Most doctors don't know this. So women like me often suffer for years, unaware that an alternative exists and that there could be hope for healing and health. I was added to an endometriosis Facebook group many years ago, and this year after having my IUD out (which was supposed to help make my endo symptoms more dormant), all my symptoms exponentially worsened. I remembered the Facebook group, did tons of research, realized what was going on with me (all my pain) was connected to endo, and that I needed this excision surgery. Problem was, finding a surgeon would be difficult, as they are rare and often hard to get in to see. 

The only doctor who performs this excision surgery in my state is 15 minutes from my house. People come from all over to see her, because she trained under Dr. Redwine, "the father of endometriosis excision surgery." Yes, she could see me. Yes, I do have endo. Yes, she can fix me. And yes, let's proceed. 

So August 19th is "Kate McKenzie liberation day" as my pastor's wife is calling it. The day this disease gets cut out of me for good. 

So why the title, "When everything hurts?"

Because I want to testify to the goodness of my God in the midst of this excruciating season of pain.

"Come and hear, all you who fear God,
and I will tell what he has done for my soul."
(Psalm 66:16)

He is sustaining me. Carrying me. Empowering me to endure. He is filling me, even tonight, with purpose and passion to share His Word, to tell others of His goodness, to proclaim the excellencies of Him who has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light. 

This season has sucked. It's been long and so, so painful. I am so tired that saying how tired I am makes me cry. I know that I'm going to be crawling across the "finish line" on surgery day. Barely making it.

And yet, somehow thriving.

I'll tell you how. My God. I have gotten to know things about His presence, His protection, and His provision in this season that I never would have gotten to know otherwise. If He had not called me into the wilderness, I would not have had this opportunity to cling onto Him for dear life. And in this wilderness, I have learned what it means to truly have a soul that longs, even pants for the Lord.

And every day when I wake up and open my Bible, He renews me with new morning mercies out of His Word. 

I may be crawling across this finish line, but I'm not alone.

So, when everything hurts, or when everything is hard, or when everything is broken...look for Him. Search after Him with all your heart, and you will find Him. His promises are sure, even in the pain.

P.S. If you love and appreciate real content like this, you'd really enjoy abidible+. It's our members only community for women who love God and His Word and want to be encouraged to know and love Him more. Learn more here.